Where do I start? 

Age: almost there

Sex: ocassionally

Last profession: Analyst

Education: Human Service field

My name is Angie and although I fancy myself on being, wise, intelligent, smart, savvy ect also modest. (I have jokes, ask my kids) I am going through a situation that I can no longer carry alone. I have been struggling emotionally since 2018 but since last summer 2023 I started to feel dispair and hopelessness and being diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 13 I have plenty of experience on how that illness lets me believe that I am worthless and the world doesnt need me. 

The first day of the rest of my life..

Anyway, it all started in a hot summer day in June. I am getting ready for work and although not running late I didnt have time to cook eat and clean and make it on time. I decided to cook something because I felt shaky and figured my body needs sugar or salt I just knew I needed something. I cooked and ate but did not wash my dish but rather sprinkled Borax as a natural bug deterrent. (This comes into play later)

Red flag.

I work until 6:00pm but at 5:45 pm I feel loke a little kick in my stomach and an urge to use the bathroom. I sit on the loo I start to sweat like never before but no bowel movement is happening and the initial feeling went away.  The pain in my stomach intensifies with every passing second and with every little step I took. I am not a fan of hospital ERs because of my $250 copay at the time as opposed to urgent care $25, anyway, this was different, new and scary. I packed up my stuff, shut down the office as I worked a later schedule than my coworkers. I live a mile from my job and my kids school is next door to us. I drive to the school, park on the principals parking spot to draw attention. Oh. While i was driving i called a friend to meet me at the school to take my kid to her house and call 911. Anyway, I stumble out of my car, the principal comes out to claim his parking spot but when he saw my condition he understood. My biggest concern at thar moment was that my daughter didnt see me like this, she was only 8 years old. Ambulance come but they take their sweet time because they repprted me as hyperventilating. I am in real pain, hands are locking and stuff because the body is sending the oxygen where is needed.

Nightmare in the ER

I get to the ER (emergency room in US) at 6:00 pm. I am in pain but I have a very high tolerance for pain, my son and his daughter too; so im assuming is a gene. Anyway, two hours pass and nothing from the doctors, they think I am looking for opiates because that is an issue on this side of my state. So now after 3 hours the pain intensifies so much that i feel my insides burning. I ask my friend/boss to rip off my pants, im moaning like no other pain ive ever felt before. More painful than childbirth and my son was 9 pounds at birth, 16 hours in labor is 2 notches down from this. Finally my friend, call her JM is shocked at the lack of medical attention I am getting but she also knows that if it wasnt serious I wouldnt be moaning loud in public, my friend thinks it was a race thing because shes white and she told me her experience is the total opposite, 30 minutes she was medicated. I dont believe in that or care i just wanted treatment. I did make a formal complaint after due to the 6 hours I sat with no treatment slowly dying.

Diagnosis and life saving surgery

After about 4 hours, 10:00 pm I start complaining louder and louder from the pain, I am.in and out of consciousness because the pain is at a 20. They finally do a CT scan and see that my colon had perforated due tona small piece of hard fecalith (poop) made a hole and escape letting out toxic contents into my bloodstream so now I have sepsis and Toxic shock because by the time I fully know whats going on 6 hours had passed and we still have to do paperwork in order to do surgery and save my life. My next of kin my son was 19 at the time and when they called him for authorization he didnt believe it, thought it was a prank and said "my mom is working" and hanged up. They called my brother in FL, he says " my sister is not sick, shes working". At this point the perforation is confirmed and although I still feel pain the medicine put me to sleep. The surgeon later said that he slapped me up awake and he said " I need to operate or you are going to die but if you let me save your life you are going to wake up with a bag" he said that I responded " you leave me no choice". I am always going to chose life as long as my brain works I can contribute. I dont want to be useless or a burden. Anyway, I woke up 5 days later in ICU with an iliostomy. 

The shock.

I had diverticulitis,UC, anemia ect I have a bunch of illnesses that were not caught by me or my doctors until they progressed to the point of no return. For example, diverticulosis is the initial stages of diverticulitis and med books state that only 30 percent progresses to diverticulitis and even less to colon perforation or surgery. I felt blindsided, cheated at my fair chance to fight this. I dont act from an emotional perspective but rather; whats the issue, can we fix it or how do we move forward. After the issue is resolved then I allow my feelings to flow. But this was new to me, no experience, no suupprt never even heard of an iliostomy before. That was 2018, when my journey began, I will get more in depth on other posts but by the end of 2018 I reversed the iliostomy. It was so shocking to me that I had PTSD for 12 months just expecting the worse. I let my guard down but in Jan 2020, it was deja vu all over.